Earlier on today I posted something which I could never have predicted. In itself that isn’t entirely unusual. I have posted many things like that over the past month: posts which reveal a part of me which I don’t usually talk about.
Starting this blog, I planned to do book reviews, do poetry, do creative writing. Maybe a couple of opinion pieces. As it currently stands, nearly all of my posts have nothing to do with writing. I don’t know when I last did a book review. And do you know what? I don’t care.
The first post I did was a book review of Lord of the Rings, and at the time I thought that was daring. It was bold, and it fangirled, and it wasn’t a version of myself which I presented to anyone. It took me two months to include a picture of myself, well blurred and barely there. I was terrified of anyone finding out that I wanted to be more than the (mostly) quiet and studious girl from school. At the same time, I was worried that I would never be more than that girl. I think that the first time I really let myself go was my review of Amy and Roger’s Epic Detour. It was a wonderful, rambling mess, and somehow it suited me perfectly.
But still I drew back. Talk about films, actors? Not a chance in hell.
I lied a lot in those first months. Not just to people reading this (because there were, and that was scary) but to myself as well. ‘No desire to see Orlando Bloom shirtless‘ she says. Well that was definitely true.
I’m not sure when it changed.
Was it when I posted Pretty Man? in which I admitted to myself that maybe it was okay to talk about hot actors?
Was it later, when I explained why I love The Hobbit, and why it means so much to me?
Or was it just a few weeks ago, when I shared my most personal memories of NCS simply because I wanted someone—anyone to know how I really felt?
I honestly don’t know.
What I do know is that I don’t care any more.
I don’t care if people judge me for liking Lord of the Rings, or for being in love with several actors and characters at a time, or for doing or saying things they don’t agree with.
Who cares if I can’t fall in love with a blonde male character?
Who cares if I write a sentence-all-like-this-because-I’m-just-that-excited?
Who cares if I have a slight penchant for guys with brown hair and swords?
Because I don’t. Not now. Not ever again.
Maybe I can’t show this side of my personality at school. I think I’ve left it too long, and that sometimes it’s no bad thing to be the slightly geeky one who doesn’t really do the internet. If only they knew. I know that I can trust people who do know not to talk about this blog around my friends, although I’m happy to talk about it if they’re not there (I might not be quite so uncensored in real life though). I know that for now I’m happy to keep these two sides of my life totally separate, although who knows what the future may bring.